small step for my kind

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

They are not ours.

It is so sad that Linda has cancer. One of her breast is gone. She now has cancer in her lymphatic system and her brain. It is so hard to think about. She does not speak about it in that way. We speak about the chemo and the symptoms but not the possibility of death and I respect her for that but it also allows me to live in denial. When I see her I can she is I'll. She has no body hair and her skin is darker. When I saw her I asked her if she had been tanning. I know it sounds weird but I was told to sun bath a couple of years ago when I was having trouble absorbing vitamin D. I loved it cause I would put on my speedo and put get some heliotherapy and it was snazzy. She told me that her hands and feet are darker because it is the side effects of one of her meds.
My friend Angela has a friend that committed suicide because she could not deal with her cancer either. So Angela and I had lots to talk about yesterday. It was really hard but I do have not have a great track record with death. I do not think I ever really reacted to Ian's death and I thought he was the love of my life.
I know that both Patrick and Crysta killed themselves but these things are hard. Angela is blaming herself and that is making me think I need to spend more time with Linda. I am so glad she will be in my wedding. I really do not know how long she has. We did grow up together and when we see each other its like we saw each other yesterday. I wonder how much longer she has. I wonder what is going to happen to Mike, her Mike not my Mike. With her mother's issue and I feel bad.
I need to see her more and involve myself. Not only for me but for her. I think it should be for her!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A day in my life

Went to a coffee shop this morning with Angela to a Christian coffee shop and even though I am usually uncomfortable at places like this I was quite impressed. The coffee was really good and the place itself was pretty cool. It was huge and had all these beautiful computers that one could get on. The decor was sublime.
Angela and I had a great time. We talked about our kids. I really enjoy talking to her and Valarie about the children. Then she took me over to Fiesta and got stuff for he wedding. She gave me these things as a gift. She had wanted to throw me a shower and I really did not feel good about having people buying me gifts twice especially since its my second wedding. She really wanted to do something for me so she decided she wanted to get me stuff for the children's table I am planning. She got some beautiful Mexican paper flowers, the pinata and the Mexican bingo(Loteria) gifts for the kid.
I did not expect such a wonderful thing from such a new friend. She is such a good and giving woman. We are so trying to go to the pool for aqua jogging. I hope that can help me get back on the exercise cause I am having such a horrible time with it.
The day before I went with Linda to the same store. I love Linda but she has cancer and I am so worried and I am scared.

Monday, March 1, 2010


I do not move enough nor do I exercise. I am sad and I feel fat!
I was hoping all this was over and I am only like 8.lbs up.
It is a bad, sad and dreary day. I am pretty sure that I will be going to some class tonight. I need to see if I can come up with something?
It is funny that weight can make or break your day no matter what?

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Holy Cripes!

So I am curing a wok and working on some jewelry. I only lost 3lb. I am pretty pissed cause for all my food stuff I am pretty afraid of food. Solids do not sit too well with me and all my ice cream, horchatas and juices keep at 2000 cals. I cannot do this! I cannot gain any weight. I have a juniors size 3 I have been wearing and they wont fit me if I keep this up.
On the upside I did learn or should I say relearn how to use a hula hoop. I also got a new oven, mind you it is used but I no longer have to use the toaster oven. On the body image issue. I posted and am posting a rather nude and risque photo that I had taken. So I have some self esteem left. You know I was watching Dodge Ball, I love that movie, I guess I was a frat boy in a previous life. White Goodman (Ben Stiller) says I made myself. It caused me me to think. Can I make myself???
Being that, at this point in life, I do not believe exercise works how would I make it work for me?
I will, maybe believe in exercise again, it has become very hard for me to wrap my head around this. It's all because of my weight loss.
I got a new phone. I love it but I had it 2 days and I broke the volume button. Since I hate best buy I have a feeling I wont be able to fix it or return it without a fight. I think I posted about how I HATE BEST BUY!!!
I planted basil,rosemary,and tomatoes. The lady at the store informed about the fact that 80% of the tomatoes crop were lost this years so I thought I always wanted to plant tomatoes why not now. I also planted Thai basil. I really wanted Holy basil(Tulsi) but it has been really hard to find and I finally got an Indian store to bring it in. I am going to cook with the Sweet Basil but as soon as it comes in I am trying it. It has been used in Ayurvedic medicine and is said to have medicinal qualities and it is helpful to those with arthritis. I have no idea about that. I have don no research but I am dying to taste it.
I plan to make a station at my wedding(yes brie, wedding crap is still on my agenda)for the kids. I will be getting them wedding favors a pinata and special kids food. I plan to have games and all sorts of things to them. I also plan to make spaghetti cupcakes, that I saw in a book. It looks like the picture I posted.
For Brie: I am either obsessing about my wedding or my weight what can I say.

Friday, February 26, 2010

The day with wedding errands

What a busy week. I have been trying to finish up all this wedding stuff and it really time consuming. I still cannot find shoes or Kids party favors or the right music. I finely found my guest book but what a huge search. Then there is the Holy Basil and all I can say is Holy Cow!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Buffy, Me and 12%

Been watching Buffy and it is so wonderful to laugh and watch ass kicking Buffy and Spike have some sort of history. You can feel the heat between them, although technically, as a vampire he is room temperature - Andrew
I remember discovering this show ad sharing this experience with Kate. That is not really her name but Kate is as Irish a name as I will give her. Wow we shared a passionate relationship. That was a friendship that when it was good it was amazing and when went south it just did. I had such an intense time with her. I did love her but it only lasted 5 years. She was a great friend and did quite a bit for me. She really believed in me but then we had really different values. It was hard because I hated her parental skills and her negative violent streak. I do not think she would ever commit a violent act but deep down she was trashy, white trash. I met Mike at he same time and we are still going strong. I remember calling him "the Boy" . He, I felt,was way to young and inexperienced for me but he changed my mind and now we are celebrating our 8th year of marriage 10 years of carnal knowledge and having a wedding April 17th.
I remember my first trip to Mike's place in Austin and having to explain to his room mate that I had to watch Buffy if they could let me in. These girls had never met me and they let me into the house so I could wait for Mike and watch Buffy. These were good days. Thrilling days, days of falling in love. That is why watching Buffy still does so much for me.
So what about this 12%... Well that I think is exactly what I should lose, in weight, that is. This would probably put me at the weight I was when I was 10. I was a big girl gained weight after the abuse started. Food the great comforter. It is funny how these things just hang around you for ever. How do you get these things out of your life for good. To forget, to not remember,to erase it. That would all be great.Yet these memories stay with you like the calcium deposit on my coffee maker. I wish I had some CLR to clean my buildup.
I guess that this 12% loss is a way to get some control back in my life. With all that has happened to me I have given up all my control and not willingly. I guess I am a bit of a control freak. Then again I have little if any control over anything.
Then again maybe I do. Its worth some self investigation. That is why I am so stuck on this 12%. I so have to think this out so more. Why do I need control? Why can I not just relax and go with it? What is this it I should go with.?


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Virgin at LARGE!

So I am watching the 650lbs virgin. Yikes!
I am just wondering how does this all work. I know my first weight loss was from 256-160 and then I stayed at 18o for many years. I know I am lighter now and surprise from yesterday to today I already lost 4lbs I had gained and that is just one day of ice cream. I know it is just a body fluctuation thing but ye gods. I remember all he pressure that comes from weight loss and this virgin on TV should it does not end there.
These guys are all trying to lose this weight and they are huge. They also lose the weight and then go have sex with two girls at once. From loser to douche bag. It is intresting to see the diffrence between the weight loss of men and woman. They always are all about the family or illness or beauty need for plastic surgery. The men are about sex and girlfriends.
Well I have been writtning a lot about food and weight and my self image. I guess I had much more to write about on these themes. I am hoping to heal from the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my Aunt's husband. His name is Frank V. I have never told most people his name. It feels good.
Well I know I need to speak or blog about that more but not right now. Right now I finished just cooking my husband's Lunch and now I will be spending some time with him.

Farewell Ice (cream) age!

OK I gained 13lbs over a 2.5 week period. I tell you it can be done. I do not see it as a huge problems not in the way others might. I just have to stop the age of Blue Bell and pickup the protein and maybe some yoga. I will drop the 13lb in about 10 days or less. Mostly cause its a really fake weight gain. Mostly water and undigested crap.
So If start some yoga, take my Bumex and keep off the ice cream it will go. The issue is that I had wanted to lose 16lbs before so hat would make it 29lbs and that is no pick nick. Worst of all those last 10lbs are the hardest and I really cannot gain anymore. If I do my size 3 Jr size Levis will not fit and I will cry.
Maybe one day I will speak about my 95lbs weight loss and the ill effects to my Psyche and my body.
I never want to weight 180lbs and I am not there yet and I refuse to get even close to that. I weighed that for about 8 years and I was OK with it So where many men so instead at that. It is now with over 20lbs less that it wasn't about men but about clothes and they are not forgiving. They wanted 15lbs to 25lbs less so I could reach at least a 20 BMI which would then make me almost under weight according to the government.
I tell you clothes are a hard master. So I must watch this all very carefully.
What shall I do??
I tell you I am all wrapped up in it an it is no excuse it is just my reality and my life. I hope I did not screw up for life but promises are just that and since the only people I can keep committed to are few and far between I cannot say anything else about that it confuses me way too much.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Becoming Sacrament with Blue Bell and NFP

Went to my marriage class. The class was called Becoming Sacrament. Try going to a hard core Catholic class with an educated quasi Buddhist atheist. Quite a treat for 8:30am. It was good and OK sometimes. It was intolerant at others but it got me thinking about NFP. For those that do not know NFP is the Catholic church's answer to contraceptives. Do not ask me what I do and do not agree with. I am not sure I will ever have the patience and or the fortitude to write about things like that but.... I will say I do not like the birth control pill or many of he other forms of contraceptives. I do not like that woman take pills that mess with their hormones. I do not think I want to mess with my body more than I need to. I want men to take them and get their moobs and shrink their "huevos". I hate it!!! I especially hate those Pill commercials that say Who says you have to have 12 periods a year besides nature!!!!

I DO!!!!
So I tell you I have eaten more Blue Bell as of late than there are cows in Brenhim. I know this is cow heaven, although, I tend to think it should be Tillamook, it must be close to being heaven because the ice cream is way good. This ice cream business is way out of hand. it isn't becoming out of of control, it is out of control. I am eating 1/4 gallon a day, mind you it is all I eat. I mean really it is all I eat but OMG I need sonething else. I get these weird food things and I cannot stop. It has been about 8 days of this. I did make Shrimp nachos today. I am making a pumpkin pie and I made fresh mozzarella, basil and tomato sandwiches yesterday but I only ate the ice cream.I am pretty sure I need some help here. SO HELP!!!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Mornings at Alon.

Went to shop for groceries. When you cook like I do going to the groceries is a highlight in my week. I am making Basil and Mozzarella sandwich. As well Horchata and pumpkin pie, banana nut bread and shrimp nachos. So I had a field day at the store. I am to cook up a storm. I look forward to having Laurence here this weekend. I know I will have to go to this class at church on Saturday so I guess it will just be there the rest of the weekend. I like love going to the HEB by the JCC and my mom gets her cakes and coffee for senior day. I got so much BASIL I wish that it still grew in the front yard. I love my herbs and I think I want to grow some more. I know I am growing Rosemary I should grow cilantro.Mike has sent me instructions to grow onions and that also sounds good.
I am trying not to eat all that ice cream while I watch Spin City or any other show. Tony said my life is ascetic I guess it is. I do not shop much and I gave up expensive shampoos. I also do not shop. I buy cheap face things and I no longer go to Barnes and Noble and I go to Half Price Book Store. I had started to go to the Library but now I owe it money. I guess I should pay them back. I am sure I will soon. I am horrid with money. I am not sure it will ever change

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ice Cream, V and Basket Ball

I had lots of ice cream today and it was good. That's no way to get into a size 2 is it? It was just wonderful, too bad that the shake at EZ sucked. I should have waited for Amy's but it seemed a good thing to do while I had dinner with Laurence. I knew I was going to lose him to the computer today because he has been unplugged for two weeks. So when we got to the book store I headed over to the Health and Fitness and I tell you I am not comfortable there, so I went over and grabbed some zines. One was New Beauty which was an old work magazine. Then I got Shape. Yuck some of the things in there are scary. New Beauty makes me want to get all sorts of new face crap and get a massage and my nails done. VANITY VANITY VANITY it will be the death of me.
The came V the magazine. it was the size issue. So many plus size models. All beautiful, I guess. Now that I am a size 6 instead of a 20 I get weirded out buy all this size stuff. I am glad that all women are getting the spotlight. I know that some of the plus size model have complained about it being like a fat fetish sometimes, but it was all quite rubenesque. It was also very burlesque. I just have always liked waify androgynous girls. I like gazelle like bones.
Maybe it was my weight, or maybe my own narcissism. I have quite a number of double standers I just have always been that way. So I am not sure. Maybe I just wanted to be a Plus Size Supermodel and now I am old.
Do plus size supermodels get to play basket ball with their long haired boy. We played today and had some great fun. I love that this child cannot keep away form the court. I hope it rubs off on us all.

Boys on Thursday

So Thursday is he day that I see Laurence and sometimes I eat lunch with Liam. I enjoy these days. I was going to go to see Carmen but I am so lazy I cannot get out of bed. I will get my Rice drink and be happy with the boys. I plan to make soup for husband he really loves my cooking.
I have been cooking up a storm, Thai, Italian, German, French, Mexican, New Mexican, Southern and Tex Mex. I shouldn't forget comfort food.
Got to go.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Life of It's Own.

So I am getting Married in the church and I kid you not this wedding took on a life of it's own. I had started just wanting a church blessing. I felt that going back to church I need a church wedding. It is of course part of my religious traditions, but when a person is not a Catholic they call it a shit I forgot anyway it kept growing. Rhonda offered me a reception and Gina a cake. My brother will be here and it will be wonderful.
Maybe this will turn out headache free but I doubt it. I have to be in touch with Mexico so I can get my paper work. Father Eric wants me to ask them to have them fax the papers or e-mail them. Hahahaha!
He then asked my why my mother had me baptized in Mexico. I of course have not answer to this only to say "cest la vie"
Now there are these wedding prep classes. Mike being an agnostic, is in for a fun time. Good thing we got life credit since we have been together since 2000. We still have to be at an 8 hour class this Saturday. It will be really long and weird. I hope he does not run away from this but there is nothing else I can do. It is a thing that must be done.
I need to finish getting things together for the ceremony. It has become a Mexican wedding and my dress is pretty. I feel like I am in the movie summer lover without the guy and the two girls. I guess it is not really like that but if I play some Depeche Mode and it will all be OK.
I got an engagement ring I lose weekly. I hope I can keep it longer than my last wedding band that my husband and I lost very quickly.
More Later.
I will keep in you all in touch about the process

Farewell Mardi Gras

Ashes to ashes funk to funky we know Major Tom's a junkie.

Ah... the beginning of lent. Went to church. I have been back in the fold for a while. Well since October. It has been good. Father Eric is a card and a pistol he is my age and went to UT Austin. He is a Longhorn and his office is full of burnt orange UT stuff . He also went to High School with Lou Diamond Phillips so there are photo's of him and Hollywood boys including Carlitos (Charlie Sheen) which is quite funny to me.

I lose my post constantly. I have to go make rice so more later.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Face Reading.

I would love to read faces. I think it would be a class I would actually pay to take this class. I wonder if it could change one's life. It would really fun to learn. I understand that it is a natural gift but I would love to be able to see how accurate that actually is.
I still am feeling all weird about yesterday and now I may even cloud all my writing because of the fear of who will read this and since I assume no one but my husband will, then I wonder why I write.
It's weird I do not really want to write for anyone in particular, but if that was true then why write on the net. Maybe because I can actually read my writing this way. I cooked today but nothing too exciting. I did make my own Gorditas that was kind of cool. Tomorrow Thia rice.


I do like sleeping in the morning. it seems morning sleep is so much more conducive to who I am.
Sleeping at night is not where it is at for me. I have been reminded that I wanted to help out with giving out the Eucharist at church. Now I am not sure I can do this. I seem to be unable to keep up most promises if they involve getting up or getting out of the house at this point.
I think I would be lieing if I went up and pretended that I would keeping a promise I am either unwilling or unable to do.
It is horrible but at least I know that this is the way I am.

Oh today I applied for a couple of jobs. Maybe a couple a day could keep depression at bay. Who knows. All I know is that this is tiring but only during the day and morning cause that is when I want to sleep.

Food is the only thing that has caught my interest and kept it. Not eating it, only making it. We know I live for and on ICE CREAM ..Maybe more later.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Back in 2007 I wanted a wedding band. I cried about it and I whined. I was to very sad and now there will be a wedding and there is a ring. Maybe I will post the picture. I just did not remember having my wedding ring wants up on this blog. I do not even know if I ever posted wanting to be thin.... or not fat or just perfect and happy.
So that is all I can say for now. I need to go.


Any answers. No! I have no way to get money and we just got a ticket. I am suffering from depression and It all sucks. Love can really suffer from this and I do not know what to do about it. It is a horrible place to be. Every one has ass happy crappy shit answers but the answer is MONEY. So I do not know how to explain it to those that have money. That is why poor people kill themselves. We will not do that because we love our kids. I just do not know how else to do survive. When Mike goes bad I do not know what to do. I cannot be there for him when I am not there for me and when I really need him to be there for me.

That is why I want to be a size 4 or 2. Control!! The problem is I do not think weight loss fulfills anything. Self esteem does rise as weight falls.
It may for some but it no longer does for me. I used to blame my looks for everything and I knew even then that thinness came with its own issues but I believed then that if where thin many things would improve. They did not, things just got worst clothes clothes clothes!!!!

Now I want to disappear into nothingness and a size 2 seems good. So where do I go from here. I wish I was allowed sleep all day but it aint going to happen no money no luxury too much to and nothing to do it with and no food to help me feel good. What is a girl to do.


I has been years and years. I was truly a much bigger person back when I wrote this. So much has happened but so much has stayed the same. I am jobless (well I teach food safety classes) but this gig is not frequent so I still Catholic bad. Is that an expression. CATHOLIC BAD!!!
I like it and since I am living at the end of a prozacian world I will keep the saying.
I have been on the happiness mood swing and on the bad judgment slide. I do no know how it all happened but it went all of control and I do not think I will ever talk about it. Just like I refuse to talk about my weight loss in full detail.
I know that great weight loss does not answer any of my "WHY" question.
And having no money = no happiness!!!

In my eyes

In my eyes

My kind of cops.

My kind of cops.

Jeero the traveling fool

Jeero the traveling fool
ooh la la


My Hormiga done right

My Hormiga done right

Crazy Spike n Dru

Crazy Spike n Dru

My Purse

My Purse

only show biz loses