They are not ours.

It is so sad that Linda has cancer. One of her breast is gone. She now has cancer in her lymphatic system and her brain. It is so hard to think about. She does not speak about it in that way. We speak about the chemo and the symptoms but not the possibility of death and I respect her for that but it also allows me to live in denial. When I see her I can she is I'll. She has no body hair and her skin is darker. When I saw her I asked her if she had been tanning. I know it sounds weird but I was told to sun bath a couple of years ago when I was having trouble absorbing vitamin D. I loved it cause I would put on my speedo and put get some heliotherapy and it was snazzy. She told me that her hands and feet are darker because it is the side effects of one of her meds.
My friend Angela has a friend that committed suicide because she could not deal with her cancer either. So Angela and I had lots to talk about yesterday. It was really hard but I do have not have a great track record with death. I do not think I ever really reacted to Ian's death and I thought he was the love of my life.
I know that both Patrick and Crysta killed themselves but these things are hard. Angela is blaming herself and that is making me think I need to spend more time with Linda. I am so glad she will be in my wedding. I really do not know how long she has. We did grow up together and when we see each other its like we saw each other yesterday. I wonder how much longer she has. I wonder what is going to happen to Mike, her Mike not my Mike. With her mother's issue and I feel bad.
I need to see her more and involve myself. Not only for me but for her. I think it should be for her!

A day in my life

Went to a coffee shop this morning with Angela to a Christian coffee shop and even though I am usually uncomfortable at places like this I was quite impressed. The coffee was really good and the place itself was pretty cool. It was huge and had all these beautiful computers that one could get on. The decor was sublime.
Angela and I had a great time. We talked about our kids. I really enjoy talking to her and Valarie about the children. Then she took me over to Fiesta and got stuff for he wedding. She gave me these things as a gift. She had wanted to throw me a shower and I really did not feel good about having people buying me gifts twice especially since its my second wedding. She really wanted to do something for me so she decided she wanted to get me stuff for the children's table I am planning. She got some beautiful Mexican paper flowers, the pinata and the Mexican bingo(Loteria) gifts for the kid.
I did not expect such a wonderful thing from such a new friend. She is such a good and giving woman. We are so trying to go to the pool for aqua jogging. I hope that can help me get back on the exercise cause I am having such a horrible time with it.
The day before I went with Linda to the same store. I love Linda but she has cancer and I am so worried and I am scared.

Movement

I do not move enough nor do I exercise. I am sad and I feel fat!
SAD!
I was hoping all this was over and I am only like 8.lbs up.
It is a bad, sad and dreary day. I am pretty sure that I will be going to some class tonight. I need to see if I can come up with something?
It is funny that weight can make or break your day no matter what?

Holy Cripes!

So I am curing a wok and working on some jewelry. I only lost 3lb. I am pretty pissed cause for all my food stuff I am pretty afraid of food. Solids do not sit too well with me and all my ice cream, horchatas and juices keep at 2000 cals. I cannot do this! I cannot gain any weight. I have a juniors size 3 I have been wearing and they wont fit me if I keep this up.
On the upside I did learn or should I say relearn how to use a hula hoop. I also got a new oven, mind you it is used but I no longer have to use the toaster oven. On the body image issue. I posted and am posting a rather nude and risque photo that I had taken. So I have some self esteem left. You know I was watching Dodge Ball, I love that movie, I guess I was a frat boy in a previous life. White Goodman (Ben Stiller) says I made myself. It caused me me to think. Can I make myself???
Being that, at this point in life, I do not believe exercise works how would I make it work for me?
I will, maybe believe in exercise again, it has become very hard for me to wrap my head around this. It's all because of my weight loss.
I got a new phone. I love it but I had it 2 days and I broke the volume button. Since I hate best buy I have a feeling I wont be able to fix it or return it without a fight. I think I posted about how I HATE BEST BUY!!!
I planted basil,rosemary,and tomatoes. The lady at the store informed about the fact that 80% of the tomatoes crop were lost this years so I thought I always wanted to plant tomatoes why not now. I also planted Thai basil. I really wanted Holy basil(Tulsi) but it has been really hard to find and I finally got an Indian store to bring it in. I am going to cook with the Sweet Basil but as soon as it comes in I am trying it. It has been used in Ayurvedic medicine and is said to have medicinal qualities and it is helpful to those with arthritis. I have no idea about that. I have don no research but I am dying to taste it.
I plan to make a station at my wedding(yes brie, wedding crap is still on my agenda)for the kids. I will be getting them wedding favors a pinata and special kids food. I plan to have games and all sorts of things to them. I also plan to make spaghetti cupcakes, that I saw in a book. It looks like the picture I posted.
For Brie: I am either obsessing about my wedding or my weight what can I say.

The day with wedding errands

What a busy week. I have been trying to finish up all this wedding stuff and it really time consuming. I still cannot find shoes or Kids party favors or the right music. I finely found my guest book but what a huge search. Then there is the Holy Basil and all I can say is Holy Cow!

Buffy, Me and 12%

Been watching Buffy and it is so wonderful to laugh and watch ass kicking Buffy and Spike have some sort of history. You can feel the heat between them, although technically, as a vampire he is room temperature - Andrew
I remember discovering this show ad sharing this experience with Kate. That is not really her name but Kate is as Irish a name as I will give her. Wow we shared a passionate relationship. That was a friendship that when it was good it was amazing and when went south it just did. I had such an intense time with her. I did love her but it only lasted 5 years. She was a great friend and did quite a bit for me. She really believed in me but then we had really different values. It was hard because I hated her parental skills and her negative violent streak. I do not think she would ever commit a violent act but deep down she was trashy, white trash. I met Mike at he same time and we are still going strong. I remember calling him "the Boy" . He, I felt,was way to young and inexperienced for me but he changed my mind and now we are celebrating our 8th year of marriage 10 years of carnal knowledge and having a wedding April 17th.
I remember my first trip to Mike's place in Austin and having to explain to his room mate that I had to watch Buffy if they could let me in. These girls had never met me and they let me into the house so I could wait for Mike and watch Buffy. These were good days. Thrilling days, days of falling in love. That is why watching Buffy still does so much for me.
So what about this 12%... Well that I think is exactly what I should lose, in weight, that is. This would probably put me at the weight I was when I was 10. I was a big girl gained weight after the abuse started. Food the great comforter. It is funny how these things just hang around you for ever. How do you get these things out of your life for good. To forget, to not remember,to erase it. That would all be great.Yet these memories stay with you like the calcium deposit on my coffee maker. I wish I had some CLR to clean my buildup.
I guess that this 12% loss is a way to get some control back in my life. With all that has happened to me I have given up all my control and not willingly. I guess I am a bit of a control freak. Then again I have little if any control over anything.
Then again maybe I do. Its worth some self investigation. That is why I am so stuck on this 12%. I so have to think this out so more. Why do I need control? Why can I not just relax and go with it? What is this it I should go with.?

Cripes!

Virgin at LARGE!

So I am watching the 650lbs virgin. Yikes!
I am just wondering how does this all work. I know my first weight loss was from 256-160 and then I stayed at 18o for many years. I know I am lighter now and surprise from yesterday to today I already lost 4lbs I had gained and that is just one day of ice cream. I know it is just a body fluctuation thing but ye gods. I remember all he pressure that comes from weight loss and this virgin on TV should it does not end there.
These guys are all trying to lose this weight and they are huge. They also lose the weight and then go have sex with two girls at once. From loser to douche bag. It is intresting to see the diffrence between the weight loss of men and woman. They always are all about the family or illness or beauty need for plastic surgery. The men are about sex and girlfriends.
Well I have been writtning a lot about food and weight and my self image. I guess I had much more to write about on these themes. I am hoping to heal from the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my Aunt's husband. His name is Frank V. I have never told most people his name. It feels good.
Well I know I need to speak or blog about that more but not right now. Right now I finished just cooking my husband's Lunch and now I will be spending some time with him.