THE MONICA SHOW

They are not ours.

2010-03-03T12:55:00.000-08:00

It is so sad that Linda has cancer. One of her breast is gone. She now has cancer in her lymphatic system and her brain. It is so hard to think about. She does not speak about it in that way. We speak about the chemo and the symptoms but not the possibility of death and I respect her for that but it also allows me to live in denial. When I see her I can she is I'll. She has no body hair and her skin is darker. When I saw her I asked her if she had been tanning. I know it sounds weird but I was told to sun bath a couple of years ago when I was having trouble absorbing vitamin D. I loved it cause I would put on my speedo and put get some heliotherapy and it was snazzy. She told me that her hands and feet are darker because it is the side effects of one of her meds.
My friend Angela has a friend that committed suicide because she could not deal with her cancer either. So Angela and I had lots to talk about yesterday. It was really hard but I do have not have a great track record with death. I do not think I ever really reacted to Ian's death and I thought he was the love of my life.
I know that both Patrick and Crysta killed themselves but these things are hard. Angela is blaming herself and that is making me think I need to spend more time with Linda. I am so glad she will be in my wedding. I really do not know how long she has. We did grow up together and when we see each other its like we saw each other yesterday. I wonder how much longer she has. I wonder what is going to happen to Mike, her Mike not my Mike. With her mother's issue and I feel bad.
I need to see her more and involve myself. Not only for me but for her. I think it should be for her!

A day in my life

2010-03-02T20:39:00.000-08:00

Went to a coffee shop this morning with Angela to a Christian coffee shop and even though I am usually uncomfortable at places like this I was quite impressed. The coffee was really good and the place itself was pretty cool. It was huge and had all these beautiful computers that one could get on. The decor was sublime.
Angela and I had a great time. We talked about our kids. I really enjoy talking to her and Valarie about the children. Then she took me over to Fiesta and got stuff for he wedding. She gave me these things as a gift. She had wanted to throw me a shower and I really did not feel good about having people buying me gifts twice especially since its my second wedding. She really wanted to do something for me so she decided she wanted to get me stuff for the children's table I am planning. She got some beautiful Mexican paper flowers, the pinata and the Mexican bingo(Loteria) gifts for the kid.
I did not expect such a wonderful thing from such a new friend. She is such a good and giving woman. We are so trying to go to the pool for aqua jogging. I hope that can help me get back on the exercise cause I am having such a horrible time with it.
The day before I went with Linda to the same store. I love Linda but she has cancer and I am so worried and I am scared.

Movement

2010-03-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

I do not move enough nor do I exercise. I am sad and I feel fat!
SAD!
I was hoping all this was over and I am only like 8.lbs up.
It is a bad, sad and dreary day. I am pretty sure that I will be going to some class tonight. I need to see if I can come up with something?
It is funny that weight can make or break your day no matter what?

Holy Cripes!

2010-02-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

So I am curing a wok and working on some jewelry. I only lost 3lb. I am pretty pissed cause for all my food stuff I am pretty afraid of food. Solids do not sit too well with me and all my ice cream, horchatas and juices keep at 2000 cals. I cannot do this! I cannot gain any weight. I have a juniors size 3 I have been wearing and they wont fit me if I keep this up.
On the upside I did learn or should I say relearn how to use a hula hoop. I also got a new oven, mind you it is used but I no longer have to use the toaster oven. On the body image issue. I posted and am posting a rather nude and risque photo that I had taken. So I have some self esteem left. You know I was watching Dodge Ball, I love that movie, I guess I was a frat boy in a previous life. White Goodman (Ben Stiller) says I made myself. It caused me me to think. Can I make myself???
Being that, at this point in life, I do not believe exercise works how would I make it work for me?
I will, maybe believe in exercise again, it has become very hard for me to wrap my head around this. It's all because of my weight loss.
I got a new phone. I love it but I had it 2 days and I broke the volume button. Since I hate best buy I have a feeling I wont be able to fix it or return it without a fight. I think I posted about how I HATE BEST BUY!!!
I planted basil,rosemary,and tomatoes. The lady at the store informed about the fact that 80% of the tomatoes crop were lost this years so I thought I always wanted to plant tomatoes why not now. I also planted Thai basil. I really wanted Holy basil(Tulsi) but it has been really hard to find and I finally got an Indian store to bring it in. I am going to cook with the Sweet Basil but as soon as it comes in I am trying it. It has been used in Ayurvedic medicine and is said to have medicinal qualities and it is helpful to those with arthritis. I have no idea about that. I have don no research but I am dying to taste it.
I plan to make a station at my wedding(yes brie, wedding crap is still on my agenda)for the kids. I will be getting them wedding favors a pinata and special kids food. I plan to have games and all sorts of things to them. I also plan to make spaghetti cupcakes, that I saw in a book. It looks like the picture I posted.
For Brie: I am either obsessing about my wedding or my weight what can I say.

The day with wedding errands

2010-02-26T21:28:00.000-08:00

What a busy week. I have been trying to finish up all this wedding stuff and it really time consuming. I still cannot find shoes or Kids party favors or the right music. I finely found my guest book but what a huge search. Then there is the Holy Basil and all I can say is Holy Cow!

Buffy, Me and 12%

2010-02-22T11:24:00.000-08:00

Been watching Buffy and it is so wonderful to laugh and watch ass kicking Buffy and Spike have some sort of history. You can feel the heat between them, although technically, as a vampire he is room temperature - Andrew
I remember discovering this show ad sharing this experience with Kate. That is not really her name but Kate is as Irish a name as I will give her. Wow we shared a passionate relationship. That was a friendship that when it was good it was amazing and when went south it just did. I had such an intense time with her. I did love her but it only lasted 5 years. She was a great friend and did quite a bit for me. She really believed in me but then we had really different values. It was hard because I hated her parental skills and her negative violent streak. I do not think she would ever commit a violent act but deep down she was trashy, white trash. I met Mike at he same time and we are still going strong. I remember calling him "the Boy" . He, I felt,was way to young and inexperienced for me but he changed my mind and now we are celebrating our 8th year of marriage 10 years of carnal knowledge and having a wedding April 17th.
I remember my first trip to Mike's place in Austin and having to explain to his room mate that I had to watch Buffy if they could let me in. These girls had never met me and they let me into the house so I could wait for Mike and watch Buffy. These were good days. Thrilling days, days of falling in love. That is why watching Buffy still does so much for me.
So what about this 12%... Well that I think is exactly what I should lose, in weight, that is. This would probably put me at the weight I was when I was 10. I was a big girl gained weight after the abuse started. Food the great comforter. It is funny how these things just hang around you for ever. How do you get these things out of your life for good. To forget, to not remember,to erase it. That would all be great.Yet these memories stay with you like the calcium deposit on my coffee maker. I wish I had some CLR to clean my buildup.
I guess that this 12% loss is a way to get some control back in my life. With all that has happened to me I have given up all my control and not willingly. I guess I am a bit of a control freak. Then again I have little if any control over anything.
Then again maybe I do. Its worth some self investigation. That is why I am so stuck on this 12%. I so have to think this out so more. Why do I need control? Why can I not just relax and go with it? What is this it I should go with.?

Cripes!

Virgin at LARGE!

2010-02-21T19:17:00.000-08:00

So I am watching the 650lbs virgin. Yikes!
I am just wondering how does this all work. I know my first weight loss was from 256-160 and then I stayed at 18o for many years. I know I am lighter now and surprise from yesterday to today I already lost 4lbs I had gained and that is just one day of ice cream. I know it is just a body fluctuation thing but ye gods. I remember all he pressure that comes from weight loss and this virgin on TV should it does not end there.
These guys are all trying to lose this weight and they are huge. They also lose the weight and then go have sex with two girls at once. From loser to douche bag. It is intresting to see the diffrence between the weight loss of men and woman. They always are all about the family or illness or beauty need for plastic surgery. The men are about sex and girlfriends.
Well I have been writtning a lot about food and weight and my self image. I guess I had much more to write about on these themes. I am hoping to heal from the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my Aunt's husband. His name is Frank V. I have never told most people his name. It feels good.
Well I know I need to speak or blog about that more but not right now. Right now I finished just cooking my husband's Lunch and now I will be spending some time with him.

Farewell Ice (cream) age!

2010-02-21T10:27:00.000-08:00

OK I gained 13lbs over a 2.5 week period. I tell you it can be done. I do not see it as a huge problems not in the way others might. I just have to stop the age of Blue Bell and pickup the protein and maybe some yoga. I will drop the 13lb in about 10 days or less. Mostly cause its a really fake weight gain. Mostly water and undigested crap.
So If start some yoga, take my Bumex and keep off the ice cream it will go. The issue is that I had wanted to lose 16lbs before so hat would make it 29lbs and that is no pick nick. Worst of all those last 10lbs are the hardest and I really cannot gain anymore. If I do my size 3 Jr size Levis will not fit and I will cry.
Maybe one day I will speak about my 95lbs weight loss and the ill effects to my Psyche and my body.
I never want to weight 180lbs and I am not there yet and I refuse to get even close to that. I weighed that for about 8 years and I was OK with it So where many men so instead at that. It is now with over 20lbs less that it wasn't about men but about clothes and they are not forgiving. They wanted 15lbs to 25lbs less so I could reach at least a 20 BMI which would then make me almost under weight according to the government.
I tell you clothes are a hard master. So I must watch this all very carefully.
What shall I do??
I tell you I am all wrapped up in it an it is no excuse it is just my reality and my life. I hope I did not screw up for life but promises are just that and since the only people I can keep committed to are few and far between I cannot say anything else about that it confuses me way too much.

Becoming Sacrament with Blue Bell and NFP

2010-02-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

Went to my marriage class. The class was called Becoming Sacrament. Try going to a hard core Catholic class with an educated quasi Buddhist atheist. Quite a treat for 8:30am. It was good and OK sometimes. It was intolerant at others but it got me thinking about NFP. For those that do not know NFP is the Catholic church's answer to contraceptives. Do not ask me what I do and do not agree with. I am not sure I will ever have the patience and or the fortitude to write about things like that but.... I will say I do not like the birth control pill or many of he other forms of contraceptives. I do not like that woman take pills that mess with their hormones. I do not think I want to mess with my body more than I need to. I want men to take them and get their moobs and shrink their "huevos". I hate it!!! I especially hate those Pill commercials that say Who says you have to have 12 periods a year besides nature!!!!

I DO!!!!
So I tell you I have eaten more Blue Bell as of late than there are cows in Brenhim. I know this is cow heaven, although, I tend to think it should be Tillamook, it must be close to being heaven because the ice cream is way good. This ice cream business is way out of hand. it isn't becoming out of of control, it is out of control. I am eating 1/4 gallon a day, mind you it is all I eat. I mean really it is all I eat but OMG I need sonething else. I get these weird food things and I cannot stop. It has been about 8 days of this. I did make Shrimp nachos today. I am making a pumpkin pie and I made fresh mozzarella, basil and tomato sandwiches yesterday but I only ate the ice cream.I am pretty sure I need some help here. SO HELP!!!

Mornings at Alon.

2010-02-19T11:03:00.000-08:00

Went to shop for groceries. When you cook like I do going to the groceries is a highlight in my week. I am making Basil and Mozzarella sandwich. As well Horchata and pumpkin pie, banana nut bread and shrimp nachos. So I had a field day at the store. I am to cook up a storm. I look forward to having Laurence here this weekend. I know I will have to go to this class at church on Saturday so I guess it will just be there the rest of the weekend. I like love going to the HEB by the JCC and my mom gets her cakes and coffee for senior day. I got so much BASIL I wish that it still grew in the front yard. I love my herbs and I think I want to grow some more. I know I am growing Rosemary I should grow cilantro.Mike has sent me instructions to grow onions and that also sounds good.
I am trying not to eat all that ice cream while I watch Spin City or any other show. Tony said my life is ascetic I guess it is. I do not shop much and I gave up expensive shampoos. I also do not shop. I buy cheap face things and I no longer go to Barnes and Noble and I go to Half Price Book Store. I had started to go to the Library but now I owe it money. I guess I should pay them back. I am sure I will soon. I am horrid with money. I am not sure it will ever change

Ice Cream, V and Basket Ball

2010-02-18T18:47:00.000-08:00

I had lots of ice cream today and it was good. That's no way to get into a size 2 is it? It was just wonderful, too bad that the shake at EZ sucked. I should have waited for Amy's but it seemed a good thing to do while I had dinner with Laurence. I knew I was going to lose him to the computer today because he has been unplugged for two weeks. So when we got to the book store I headed over to the Health and Fitness and I tell you I am not comfortable there, so I went over and grabbed some zines. One was New Beauty which was an old work magazine. Then I got Shape. Yuck some of the things in there are scary. New Beauty makes me want to get all sorts of new face crap and get a massage and my nails done. VANITY VANITY VANITY it will be the death of me.
The came V the magazine. it was the size issue. So many plus size models. All beautiful, I guess. Now that I am a size 6 instead of a 20 I get weirded out buy all this size stuff. I am glad that all women are getting the spotlight. I know that some of the plus size model have complained about it being like a fat fetish sometimes, but it was all quite rubenesque. It was also very burlesque. I just have always liked waify androgynous girls. I like gazelle like bones.
Maybe it was my weight, or maybe my own narcissism. I have quite a number of double standers I just have always been that way. So I am not sure. Maybe I just wanted to be a Plus Size Supermodel and now I am old.
Do plus size supermodels get to play basket ball with their long haired boy. We played today and had some great fun. I love that this child cannot keep away form the court. I hope it rubs off on us all.

Boys on Thursday

2010-02-18T07:47:00.000-08:00

So Thursday is he day that I see Laurence and sometimes I eat lunch with Liam. I enjoy these days. I was going to go to see Carmen but I am so lazy I cannot get out of bed. I will get my Rice drink and be happy with the boys. I plan to make soup for husband he really loves my cooking.
I have been cooking up a storm, Thai, Italian, German, French, Mexican, New Mexican, Southern and Tex Mex. I shouldn't forget comfort food.
Got to go.

A Life of It's Own.

2010-02-17T12:50:00.000-08:00

So I am getting Married in the church and I kid you not this wedding took on a life of it's own. I had started just wanting a church blessing. I felt that going back to church I need a church wedding. It is of course part of my religious traditions, but when a person is not a Catholic they call it a shit I forgot anyway it kept growing. Rhonda offered me a reception and Gina a cake. My brother will be here and it will be wonderful.
Maybe this will turn out headache free but I doubt it. I have to be in touch with Mexico so I can get my paper work. Father Eric wants me to ask them to have them fax the papers or e-mail them. Hahahaha!
He then asked my why my mother had me baptized in Mexico. I of course have not answer to this only to say "cest la vie"
Now there are these wedding prep classes. Mike being an agnostic, is in for a fun time. Good thing we got life credit since we have been together since 2000. We still have to be at an 8 hour class this Saturday. It will be really long and weird. I hope he does not run away from this but there is nothing else I can do. It is a thing that must be done.
I need to finish getting things together for the ceremony. It has become a Mexican wedding and my dress is pretty. I feel like I am in the movie summer lover without the guy and the two girls. I guess it is not really like that but if I play some Depeche Mode and it will all be OK.
I got an engagement ring I lose weekly. I hope I can keep it longer than my last wedding band that my husband and I lost very quickly.
More Later.
I will keep in you all in touch about the process

Farewell Mardi Gras

2010-02-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

Ashes to ashes funk to funky we know Major Tom's a junkie.

Ah... the beginning of lent. Went to church. I have been back in the fold for a while. Well since October. It has been good. Father Eric is a card and a pistol he is my age and went to UT Austin. He is a Longhorn and his office is full of burnt orange UT stuff . He also went to High School with Lou Diamond Phillips so there are photo's of him and Hollywood boys including Carlitos (Charlie Sheen) which is quite funny to me.

I lose my post constantly. I have to go make rice so more later.

Face Reading.

2010-02-16T17:47:00.000-08:00

I would love to read faces. I think it would be a class I would actually pay to take this class. I wonder if it could change one's life. It would really fun to learn. I understand that it is a natural gift but I would love to be able to see how accurate that actually is.
I still am feeling all weird about yesterday and now I may even cloud all my writing because of the fear of who will read this and since I assume no one but my husband will, then I wonder why I write.
It's weird I do not really want to write for anyone in particular, but if that was true then why write on the net. Maybe because I can actually read my writing this way. I cooked today but nothing too exciting. I did make my own Gorditas that was kind of cool. Tomorrow Thia rice.

Sleeping

2010-02-16T14:09:00.000-08:00

I do like sleeping in the morning. it seems morning sleep is so much more conducive to who I am.
Sleeping at night is not where it is at for me. I have been reminded that I wanted to help out with giving out the Eucharist at church. Now I am not sure I can do this. I seem to be unable to keep up most promises if they involve getting up or getting out of the house at this point.
I think I would be lieing if I went up and pretended that I would keeping a promise I am either unwilling or unable to do.
It is horrible but at least I know that this is the way I am.

Oh today I applied for a couple of jobs. Maybe a couple a day could keep depression at bay. Who knows. All I know is that this is tiring but only during the day and morning cause that is when I want to sleep.

Food is the only thing that has caught my interest and kept it. Not eating it, only making it. We know I live for and on ICE CREAM ..Maybe more later.

2010-02-15T18:22:00.000-08:00

Back in 2007 I wanted a wedding band. I cried about it and I whined. I was to very sad and now there will be a wedding and there is a ring. Maybe I will post the picture. I just did not remember having my wedding ring wants up on this blog. I do not even know if I ever posted wanting to be thin.... or not fat or just perfect and happy.
So that is all I can say for now. I need to go.

Money

2010-02-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

Any answers. No! I have no way to get money and we just got a ticket. I am suffering from depression and It all sucks. Love can really suffer from this and I do not know what to do about it. It is a horrible place to be. Every one has ass happy crappy shit answers but the answer is MONEY. So I do not know how to explain it to those that have money. That is why poor people kill themselves. We will not do that because we love our kids. I just do not know how else to do survive. When Mike goes bad I do not know what to do. I cannot be there for him when I am not there for me and when I really need him to be there for me.

That is why I want to be a size 4 or 2. Control!! The problem is I do not think weight loss fulfills anything. Self esteem does rise as weight falls.
It may for some but it no longer does for me. I used to blame my looks for everything and I knew even then that thinness came with its own issues but I believed then that if where thin many things would improve. They did not, things just got worst clothes clothes clothes!!!!

Now I want to disappear into nothingness and a size 2 seems good. So where do I go from here. I wish I was allowed sleep all day but it aint going to happen no money no luxury too much to and nothing to do it with and no food to help me feel good. What is a girl to do.

Years

2010-02-15T15:40:00.000-08:00

I has been years and years. I was truly a much bigger person back when I wrote this. So much has happened but so much has stayed the same. I am jobless (well I teach food safety classes) but this gig is not frequent so I still Catholic bad. Is that an expression. CATHOLIC BAD!!!
I like it and since I am living at the end of a prozacian world I will keep the saying.
I have been on the happiness mood swing and on the bad judgment slide. I do no know how it all happened but it went all of control and I do not think I will ever talk about it. Just like I refuse to talk about my weight loss in full detail.
I know that great weight loss does not answer any of my "WHY" question.
And having no money = no happiness!!!

Too much Joy??

2008-06-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

I try not to devote too many days worthof thinking to one thing. I am easly obssed and it seems to be happeing again. Beautifl young tragic genious really affects me. It makes me doubt myself mankind and certianly most woman. The tragady of Ian and others like him...Yes even Adam(Ant) stays in my mind and plays like a broken record. I cannot get them out. This when I truly Wonder about the inner wrokings of my mind and my own prattling with the muse of tragedy or would it be comedey. Its like a a farce or a Molier play (I wish he had been a Britt for a more heartfelt refrance on my part.) I think it is time to leave the power of Joy for the chemicl depandancy of Bez and The Happy Modays. To me there is too much Joy!!!

He walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in his aspect and his eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light	5
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er his face,	10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,	15
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

Control Lost (The angel in Hell)

2008-06-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

My sad British love. everything he wrote took its toll

Early life

Curtis was born in the Memorial Hospital, Old Trafford, Manchester, in 1956. He grew up in the Hurdsfield area of Macclesfield and from a young age he exhibited talent as a poet. He was influenced by the musicians David Bowie and Iggy Pop.

Curtis married his girlfriend Deborah Woodruff in 1975, while they both were still teenagers. They had one child, Natalie (born 16 April 1979). Curtis had a lover, Belgian journalist Annik Honoré, whom he met after a concert in an interview.

Joy Division

In 1976, Curtis convinced himself his destiny was as a performer. He eventually met two young musicians, Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook. Sumner and Hook mentioned to him they were trying to form a band and he immediately put himself forward as a vocalist and lyricist. The three of them recruited and sacked a succession of drummers before settling on Stephen Morris as their final member. Initially, the band was called Warsaw before changing its name to Joy Division in 1978, due to conflicts with the name of another band, Warsaw Pakt. The name "Joy Division" stemmed from the sexual slavery wing of a Nazi concentration camp in the 1955 novel The House of Dolls.

While performing for Joy Division, Curtis became known for his quiet and awkward demeanor, as well as a unique dancing style reminiscent of the epileptic seizures he experienced, sometimes even on stage. The resemblance was such that audience members were sometimes uncertain if Curtis was dancing or having a seizure; there were several incidents where he collapsed and had to be helped off stage.

Many of Curtis's writings were filled with imagery of emotional isolation, death, alienation, and urban degeneration. He once commented in an interview that he wrote about "the different ways different people can cope with certain problems, how they might or might not adapt".

Death

Curtis' last live performance was on 2 May 1980 at Birmingham University, a show that included Joy Division's first and only performance of the song "Ceremony", In the early hours of Sunday, 18 May 1980, Curtis hung himself in his kitchen after having viewed Werner Herzog's film Stroszek and listening to Iggy Pop's The Idiot. Many rumours surround the possible reasons for his suicide, with his poor health (due to the drugs he was having to take for his epilepsy, an exhausting performing schedule and related epilepsy problems) and failed marriage most often suggested. He was 23 years old.

Tony Wilson speaking about the death said, "I'd been warned on a train to London two weeks earlier by Annik Honoré, Curtis' lover. I asked her, 'What do you think of the new album.' She goes, 'I'm terrified.' I said, 'What are you terrified of?' She replies, 'Don't you understand? He means it.' And I go, 'No, he doesn't mean it - it's art.' And guess what? He fucking meant it."Curtis was cremated, and his ashes were buried in Macclesfield Cemetery.^[4] The inscription on his memorial stone, "Love Will Tear Us Apart", was chosen by Deborah Curtis, and is a reference to the Joy Division song.

Rest, Rust and Recreation

2008-06-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

I am off for 3 days. One day sleep, one day health one day play. My body is not used to this non exercise lifestyle and all my extra work has caused me some physical pain. Not really pain but weariness and muscle aches. It will take some finagling on my part to get a routine it is just quite a bit harder without a car.
I had a great day at work. Low sales but sort of a team building kind of day with the other managers. Lauren and Julie where really funny today so I had fun with it.
I gave my ex a tie for fathers day and I think Mike got a bit jealous. He is cute that way. It was strange when Cecil me it was so foreign. I have only been with Mike for 8 years now that any man feels wrong. it was a nice jester but I only belong to my love. I left so many instructions at work for everyone, I hope things get done. It is not that I do not trust them I just need all these things done so we can just start doing better.
Lots of SPANX TO SELL.!!!!
Sold about 100 so far. So I want to sell 200 more so I can do well...
I think I will go bath the boy and see what is going on with Brenda. I am on people overload and I want no political thoughts in my head tonight.

Too many clothes???? Never!!!

2008-06-15T19:47:00.000-07:00

Davardo says I own too many clothes. In other word I shop too much. I think he is crazy. We work at Nordstrom and he for Chanel how could he say such things. Now he has a De rigour ensemble BLACK. I on the other hand do not and I hate reaping my outfits. I do repeat them at times but I change them around with jewelry and hosiery (yes that is I with the Makeup-Forever eyelashes at on Beauty on Location) But even then I have a thing for Betsy Johnson purses and earrings and other gadgets.
She is left over from my real youth. Why back about the time Ian Curtist died and Blue Monday came about.The days of bars such as Raw Power and Light. The original Changes and Spit Club in Boston. Shows like Bow Wow Wow, INX, The Furs,The Police,The Clash Split Enz and Adam Ant. People like Lee, Scott and Rudy. Stores like Commander
Salamander in DC and Fiarucci in NYC. I miss it or rather I remember it. It is an era many years ago and I have other things happening now. I guess it is Nostalgia. A free fucking time in life. I love my life but I miss the darkness and the drink and the total hedonism I reveled in. This is not my life now but the Gen X in know seemed to have missed the whole thing. Thank God or Kurt for Mike. This world would suck without him. He is someone who feels heart and soul the Music of the genius the music of the thinker, the desolate,the poet.
He is a wonder in my life that is often filled with the mundane and the aftermath of stupidity. I shutter thinking of my daily encounters with the bleakness all around me but a smile from my boys alleviates the pain of mediocrity.
All in all I cannot spend anymore I need a car .
To allow peace from my deprecating nature and shelter me from that which cases me anguish. It is people but I hate admitting to it. I am not good at the money thing but learning is growing even if it is stifling I will live!! So I must learn to bite the bullet and save!! It ia quite beyond me but when I threaghten to leave my husband becasue of the pblic transportaion fight it is something I must think about.

RIDING WITH THE MASSESS

2008-06-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

all
I have been riding with the masses and the crazies in the heat. Not that I am opposed to it in the abstract but the smell, the heat and my own horrible disposition when exposed to the heat and a hard day at work. My husband likes the masses and he is so concerned for the environment that the stench of an armpit of a male fellow passenger does not bother him. My son loves riding so much that he calls it a FANTASTIC VOYAGE. He will not even ride in my ex husband when I am using it for errands. I wish I could view the world through his eyes and maybe It would not be such an issue for me. Alas, it does not and I am not the better for it.

I am listening to the new David Sedars book in the iMac so I will report later.

Wax and Wane

2008-06-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

The hosiery baby died. My girl at work had a miscarriage she wasn't very far along but I know how it feel because I had one. Its tragic but she is only 22 and her whole life ahead of her. I can never tell her because this is not what one needs nor wants to hear when this situation arises. Only time heals all wounds.Its true!! No matter how trite this sounds I know it is true. Well at least it is true for me.
Now I know she has really good reason not to be at work and the doctor told her not to come in till Monday but the other girl called in ill and she just seems to be stressed from school.I do not think Kathleen is quite cut out for reality. I think she believes that her dream job of teaching as an ESL teacher will make things all honky dory but she has never taught and she is 28.
What it all comes down to is that I have not had any coverage at work for 3 days. I have been working double shifts FUCKING Tired!!!
So whats a girl to do??
Well I go between feeling sorry for them, then me then I get angry. There are things to be done at work that are not going to happen because of their absence. So I will have to ride it out.
So like the moon my moods will wax and wane and I will continue the cycle.
Thank God for Davardo (David+Retardo=Davardo) I am Monarded(Monica+retarded=Monarded)He is my long lost brother/sister. He is my makeup artist, a Chanel god of sorts. He is the kindest most decent human being I have met in a long time. He feeds me spiritually. He makes sure I get to work now that my car is broken and he makes me laugh.
He took me shopping after work. He bought some sheets. Mostly I walked around with him. It was nice doing this with a friend. I am glad we met

Cool and Collected

2008-06-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

So I had a "Talking to" with one of my girls at work and it went well. At least hope it did. It is so hard to tell. This leader thing is interesting. I truly enjoy it!!!
Now I got a couple of cool sun dresses. They really feel good and now that my hair is short it all feels cooler. When I was talking with K at work I was sweating up a storm. I also noticed at PF Chang's the other night. I think I am beginning to sweat socially. Weird!!! I use a lot of exclamation points. Weird too!!!!
So tomorrow public transportation begins. I cannot even say bus, but we will prevail I know it. I will have to buckle down and save. It will be a long day tomorrow cause I am working 12 hours but Will survive!!!!!

Lost in love

2008-06-03T20:46:00.002-07:00

Ever feel lost about true love. Do you believe as I do that a kiss is more intimate than sex. I harbor very few feelings of lost love. In other words men who I once loved, now that it is over I feel nothing for. Not sadness nor hatred, not friendship nor regret. This leaves me wondering about the exact depth of my feelings. Is it natural? I even lost a lover to death and I have never felt anything but maybe detachment. This is a matter that I have given quite a bit of thought to and still..... No answer

Death becomes her

2008-06-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

So what do you do when people start dying or getting illness that are and could be fatal. If you are entrusted with such a secret it is very frightening yet an honor at the same time. To be held in such esteem by someone that you have known for an eternity and not know that you are still that important to them makes you wonder about life, karma and you place in it. I hope all goes well for my "friend" my heartaches at his burden that he has chosen to bear alone. He is stronger than I ever knew. I wish I could offer better explanation but I promised not to so I wont. I am just not good here.
Work is just that yet I still love my job. It is strange to see the dynamics of women working so closely together. To see the clicks and the cat fights. There is sch a high school feeling about the whole thing. I feel weird to have workers fighting over whether or I have a teacher pet or if one person is an ass kisser. I come from a professional environment and this is so insipid. Kathleen(the whiner) went as far to tell Marlana(the supposedly ass kisser)that because,Kathleen had lived in Europe she was better equipped to the one in charge!
WRONG
You tell me what one thing has to do with the other.

Well a broken car, the end of the school year and a new purse. I will post a photo as soon as I get one take.It is my dream purse. Well I'll be back

El Senor Grande

2008-05-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

So why would I not talk about what the rest of America is talking, I am not as original as I once thought. I am not sure when I became so humble(ha ha) but I know when I am riding an American and maybe an international trend. I will say it took me 4 years to get on the trend. It was only the last season I watched that was not on syndication. Okay I will get to the point SEX AND THE CITY!!!!!!!!! THE MOVIE
I am so enamoured with this show even if I am married with kids and live in Texas. I have that connection with NYC that many people that end up living there do. Got to go more later... Well maybe its fantasy or an old dream but this city still has pull and thanks to shows like Sex and the City and Law and Older(with Chris Noth) I can talk like a native at times. In all the times I have been there I was only a tortist once the rest were work tripand dinner with freinds.

Tony Stark a man afetr my own heart

2008-05-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

I found him!!! Such a wonderful thing.

2008-05-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

So here I am still I am running around working and taking care of the kids. My department is rocking!!! Who would have thought I would be so alive in the world of hosiery. Of course being in love with stockings tights, socks, fishnets etc.... could be a reason. I have a huge collection of hose and socks. I also believe that my love of the esoteric leads to my love of this Job!
I only Anna Wintour would populerize then again

never know shis wearing red tighs here so alas we have a chance.

Speaking of chance I have somewhere this blog a drunk Ironman so I must find drawing. All I can say I loved Tony Stark and Iron man did not let me down
My brother and played Ironman with the kids that livd next door.
Little did I know then that Tony Stark was a drunken playboy, but eventually I figred it out and dated many men like Tony(without the mustache)My obsession with Super Heros has led me down the dark path of many a comic book store but I never dated a man that loved Batman or who was my own Peter parker till I met my husband.

2008-05-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

SO much since it started I absolutly love the Company but work is work and have had lot of it.
"Heavy is the head that wears the crown" so says Julie ruling Diva Queen and Cosmo manager. I am there a lot. I have been promoted. In three month and yes it comes with a price. The thing about it is I still love it. 5 months and the love is still there, Exhaustion follows close behind. The amount of service I am empowered is wonderful. I will even be the PM MIC (manger in charge)next month. I am now filly staffed!!!

2008-02-02T21:07:00.000-08:00

MAC is at this point the best experience of my life in cosmetics

2008-01-02T06:55:00.000-08:00

New Year, New Job, Old fears

Why do we things will change?????

The year is new or at least we say it is. It is a new season and the planet turns and the earth is reborn. Time marches. Why do we give ourselves this linear way of thinking. I do not know. What do I want this year( so called ) I do not know. Maybe a lesser evil in the White house. The health of my children. A kiss fro my husband a new friendship with my ex. Anything is possible?
Hey I learned that they really harvest cranberries this way.
A New Year. A new lesson.

LOVE THE SERIAL KILLERS HATE THE QUACKS

2007-12-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

<a Dexter text disappeared. I blame the quacks below. Dexter is by far my favorite show of the moment, then again serial killers are fascinating. Sociopaths are a breed of people that still need more studying but it has not been easy going for scientist to do because of civil rights that prisoner have that wont allow them to participate in certain studies, especially neuroscience studies. In the show Dexter was orphaned at the age of three and harboring a traumatic secret, Dexter was adopted by a Miami police officer named Harry Morgan who recognized his sociopathic tendencies and taught him to channel his gruesome passion for killing and dissecting in a “constructive” way: by killing only heinous criminals (such as mob assassins and serial killers of the innocent) who have slipped through the justice system. To satisfy his interest in blood and to facilitate his own crimes, Dexter works as a blood spatter analyst for the Miami Metro Police Department. Although his drive to kill is unflinching (otherwise overcome by a feeling of “emptiness”) Dexter is, through extensive instruction from Harry, able to fake normal emotions and keep up his appearance as a socially-responsible human being.
Quacks on Crack

These people are worst than Dexter as they are cult leaders. Charismatic, educated cult leaders everyone knows. Oprah has a show,books, a mag, she tells people what to read, what to where, what to see.... She then gives them gifts and buys off their love. Kool aid is next Weeks themes so maybe they will disappear. She is a bright woman but I do not believe one need to follow the advice nor worship any one celebrity (unless it is Cillian) for any reason. It is as if she will be put up for saint hood here anytime soon.
Dr. Perricone, who is also beloved by Oprah is a fish of so called(mercury free) blood. A dermatologist turned nutritionist and one who owns the rights to the fountain of youth has a groupie base fan like that of the King of Rock and Roll(although the good doctor says to go to the toilet he does not preach to die on it). I am pretty sure that Dr. Perricone believes that if Elvis had followed his advice e he would not have died and he would still be thrusting his hips to WW ll vets in Vegas.
Now his theories are sound, but his follower treat him as the end all be all and that is WRONG He may have published many books(8) but he has no scientific backing to any thing he preaches. His products are expensive and they are developed by a third party. His positions at Yale and other Universities have been honorary or bought. He cannot cure rosaecea and his magic vitamins do not cure, Diabetes, Osteoporosis, Cholesterol and Cancer he is among one of the reason the FDA really has issues with the Nutritional industries.
I continue to have to listen to his crapped preached everyday by my work room mate. I will follow up on the Denis (who can she be) Horror stories with more detail later

The Horrible truth about Beauty

2007-09-30T14:04:00.000-07:00

THEY ALL AIRBRUSHED!!!
Or they have had plastic surgery.
Sorry but I am more jaded than ever and working with who sell make up is like one of circles of Dante's Inferno. If it was not for the money I would just go postal.

The ingredients in these products are horrible and he women are not trained at all. They have a little knowledge so "it is a dangerous thing"
I cannot put anything they sell on me. I cannot state real facts and no one know what a glycolic peel is.
I Loath this

Dr. Jan Itor

2007-09-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

Ahh JD has a special place in my heart as does the rest of the SCRUBS crew There will never be anything like he name Turk Turkleton . The fact that only time we get to know the janitors name is when he is pretending to be Dr. Jan Itor is the best. You can never ever forget Ted. or Tod's "FACE FIVE"
The show name is In the pilot episode, a comment from Dr. Kelso alludes to one meaning behind the show's name: "Dr. Dorian, Do you not realize that you're nothing more than a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names." If you have never seen this show I implore you to take a gander. it has made me happy on many of occasions.

J.D.: I just Marcia Brady'd your ass.
Chris Turk: What the hell are you talking about?
J.D.: Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better...
Chris Turk: Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch.

ON THE HOME FRONT

School started last week and Laurence is loving it. He is in The Air Force ROTC who would have thought. He is doing great for his first week. Latin and Geography have been a lot of whats been going on, but the Science Fair project is starting to take life of its of it own. We need Helix Land Snails and you need a government permit. I am very hopeful for this year.

Tired of Needy Women but still Love Vouge

2007-08-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

If I here one more person talk about Jennifer Lopez having a big ass I am going to I don't know kill them or may send them to one of my family reunions so the can see large men and women with no Asses.
Gripe Gripe GripeNo she is not my cup of tea. I like my tea English or Irish skinny and yes no ass. Case in point Cillian Murphy from Disco PigsButt, back to the ass thing. I have been listening to the same old discussion as of late and it involves woman and weight, mind you I am over weight and yes I have lost about 65lb but my ends and my means are not about the same things anymore and will never will be again.
To me what is happening to me now is a journey in which yoga, karma, self awaking and teaching my children has come to fruition
I am looking to unite myself together. A whole/holy Trinity of sorts. No separation of mind body and spirit. This means mutual respect for the god figure within and that means honoring choice. So it is never anything but life choices. Working for and endocrinologist you learn what is a personal choice and what is genetic so I can see people are faced with daily but I digress.
Back to the fat ass.
Women and sometimes men complain about being fat they starve themselves, they trap themselves and look for quick fixes even when it is more exercise and less food. They beat themselves up for falling off the wagon They believe that 20lbs or 30lbs or 100lbs lost they will achieve happiness. What is this happiness. I buy happiness in the form of a lipstick all the time, let me tell you it does not work for me and you are kidding yourself if you think it is going to work for you.
I talk about this because I keep thinking that people will stop playing lip service to health and happiness and really try to live it. I wish they would not hate themselves and their bodies so much that thinking that Jennifer Lopez has a fat ass and Kate Moss Is too thin and that they have the God given right to judge perfection.
They make me want to WHACK A MOLE

So What is it With The children of God

2007-07-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

L.Ron Hubbard, David Burg, David Koresh, Jim Jones, Sung Young Moon, Moishe Rosen great cult leader of our times. There are more and if I felt like adding it may bother some people. but I could add, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, or even the 700 hundred club. They creep me out Much against televangelism mam. The first few are really off their rockers you know. I did not put Charles Manson up there because he is beyond the scope of our understanding and as evil as evil can be. Sociopaths have no way of ever being helped but they can charm the pants off of you so bewareHe is truly a person that frightens me. There is no remorse,no empathy. There is nothing there. Just empty darkness with an ego that goes on with the belief that he talks to God or that he is God. It is just hard to look at. I have one person like that in my life and it is funny that he still functions in the norms of our society.
I feel for the Children of God and their Flirty Fishing children having sex with Jesus at 4 is really strange and even after River Phoenix and Rose McGowen tried to explain the cult, River doing it from the dead ,I do not understand it. What make a person want this salvation. What makes mankind long for a unity with a Higher Power(as the AA people say) Are we that alone, are we that needy. Do we just not connect. It is just so hard to understand that one need so much leadership to be told that we are not alone and need to function as a group. I see this historical struggle never ending, but I also see this struggle as never finding an answer, because as much as we search for a group dynamic and an eternal family we are alone in one body and we seem to have the ultimate disconnect and it seems that will be the only answer that really will hold us together.

Cillian and I have breakfast on Pluto

2007-07-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

What can I say. I am MIA. Writing a book, Mike might have an interview with Lucifer Lighting What a name!!! It is quite the Illuminati I wonder if he will have any secret society meetings or if Bootsie Collins will sing at are parties. This may all sound like I am rambling but believe me in my world (not just my head) it all makes sense, even to my husband ans yes a number of friends.
And now some news
It is like going to hell and and back living in the floods waters of South Texas "WE ARE FISH". School starts soon for Laurence, Sal is a full fledge CHEFE JEFE and I think Gene might be an AVOCADO can we say Lawyer!!! yes. Liam discovered swimming.
Royce is Mr Royce. Conner qualified for the Junior Olympics. Will needs a Job. Dr. Dons hurt his back and Cillian is still the best.
well got to sleep ZZZZZZ and dream of the Irish.

THEY ARE TRIP HOP!!!!!!

2007-07-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

Wow!!!!Listen
I Love this band, sure they no longer exist, well as a band but they are super as all those from Manchester are. Does anyone remember Manchester burning in . I saw Cillian tonight in SunShine. What a waste.I waited and waited for this movie. I love Danny Boyle, but something happened here, something very bad and I almost walked out, I almost never walk out of a movie. I did walk out of Jude Law in Alfie, although I loved Michael Caine in the original. I do not even walk out of Adam Sandler movies. So to actually think of walking out Cillian(Jim)it was not good. So.....Back to Lamb.Lamb were an electronic music duo from Manchester known for their trip hop and drum and bass influenced sound. The duo comprised producer Andy Barlow, also known as the "Hipoptimist", and singer-songwriter Lou Rhodes.Although getting their start in Manchester, Lamb are more commonly associated with the Bristol-based trip hop sound that was popular during the nineties. Aside from trip hop, their musical style is a distinctive mixture of jazz, dub, breaks and drum and bass, with a strong vocal element and, in their later works especially, some acoustic influences. While they were a hit phenomenon in the UK, they found limited success in other parts of the world.Lou Rhodes is a singer and songwriter from Manchester, England.

Rhodes is seen to be an intensely private person. Little is known about her beyond her musical career other than that she has two sons, Reuben and Solomon, having recently divorced the father of her children, percussionist Crispin Robinson.

As well as providing vocals for the band Lamb, Rhodes has recently released her debut solo album Beloved One.

Rhodes has also collaborated with The Cinematic Orchestra on Ma Fleur.
Give her a listen if you can!!!

The Hidden

2007-07-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

So what is new now was new then and the unread shall remain unread. I just hate for his face to disappear for a very long time so I will have to leave him up for days. I also have to find a way to post Costas Mandalar, Julian Sands and Christopher Lambert in all their Euro trash train wreck splendor.
What a shoe add almost makes me wish that Chis Noth was around the corner saying "absofuckinglutly"
I must say I have not given shoes nor clothes the most need homage that they deserve. Maybe I was trying to play down my own shallow needs or my lack of cash but as of late, Channel and YSL are haunting my dreams and although I may be on a Target budget, I still have runway show in my head to Underworld songs. So let have TWO MONTHS OFF and be a teen ager forever.

BIG LOVE( Joseph Smith Style)

2007-07-03T20:34:00.000-07:00

There is a huge romance going on between me and this show.It is a show full of wonderful Polygamist angst What the hell???? There is a compound. There are sister wives. There are Coke drinking LDSers.(do you know what that means)There is attempted murder through anti freeze. There is stalking with Hummers. Last season too much money was spent at Eddie Bowers. Nominating your mom for Mother of the Year can get you in trouble with the rest of your moms.
If you are the grandson of the original prophet but there is a usurper on the prophets chair should not you start your own Home Depot too. Where is David Koresh when you need him.
The casting here is simply mahvoulous!!! David Byrne doest the music. He is still so good looking and I can tell you it really gets you going. This show is twisting and turning and where it is going is anyone guess so lets get on the roller coaster with a man named Joseph Smith and hope that Jesus walks on North America more often and with less wives

For the world is hollow and I have --------

2007-06-30T17:09:00.000-07:00

Fill in the blank
I bet only Sal can. Yes, Star Track has been on m mind and I feel like Dr. McCoy should be my
Subject.

If you don't love him you don't know what you are missing

The Geeks have Spoken.

STARFLEET HISTORICAL DATABASE FILE: McCoy, Leonard

Mid-level Biography Brief Mode

Final Rank: Admiral, retired
Full Name: Leonard Horatio McCoy, M.D.
Year of birth: 2227
Parents: Mr. and Mrs. David McCoy
Education: University of Mississippi, 2245-49; medical school, 2249-53
Marital status: Divorced
Children: A daughter, Joanna
Quarters: Original Enterprise: 3F 127

Starfleet Career Summary

2366 -- As lieutenant commander, named chief medical officer under Capt. James T. Kirk
2370 -- Retires to private medical practice
2371 -- Returns to duty under Starfleet reactivation clause, promoted to commander as chief medical officer on refit U.S.S. Enterprise for V'Ger mission
2285 -- As Academy medical faculty and training instructor, forced into Genesis mission; detained over leaks regarding secret Genesis Project
2286 -- Charged but cleared with shipmates in theft of U.S.S. Enterprise
2287 -- Returns to active Enterprise service under Kirk
2293 -- Participated in Khitomer peace mission after liberation from Klingon Rura Penthe prison
2364 -- As retired admiral, gave inspection tour of Galaxy-class U.S.S. Enterprise upon departure

Aqui or S A

2007-06-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

So happy 4rth to all of you who care. I have always thought that the U S had really weird way of celebrating their independence from the Mother Country
The biggest Shopping Day of the Year and half of Americans have to work. SUCKS!!!
It should be called Happy Capitalist Day it just seems more accurate.
What the hell does all this have to do with the man in the photo. My dad died on last year on July 4rth, like a good Rican soldier. He now has give me reason to hate this non-holiday. He dies how he lived, with his Johnson in charge, sorry dad but you did.
I have been crying nonstop for many days I hate that I miss him so much. I hate that we are still dealing with the fact that he lived a life full of SEX and women. I hate it all!!!!
He was still my dad and I was his baby!!!!
He tried to make me understand the love of<
Where ever you are. I still love you and I always will.

El Alamo

2007-06-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

Any one that grew near Austin know about The Alamo Draft House if they do not then I often wonder where they really living. It is a huge question in my life???
I have gone to the one and only The Alamo Draft House downtown Austin a number of times. I always get a little queasy going there because I used to go to this place called The Boathouse back in the 80's, when I was underage and my gay friends had to sneak me in. Did I mention it was a gay bar. So when we drive and park, I can remember all thr drunken nights and the pre-nervousness of trying to get it.
My now husband took me there on dates but it was not till he and I had had a baby, moved to San Antonio and started of this path I am on today that I got lived my most unforgettable times. No, I did not have any life altering experience, no I did not meet a person who changed my life nor did I see the most life altering flick .
What I got there that I never got in any Church was an overwhelming sense of Community during the showing of
A Buffy sing-a-long!!!
My husband, myself and a bunch of would be Scoobies got to sing and laugh and yes CRY at a public viewing of my all time life altering Television show. I named my son after Angels real name....Before he was Angelus...when he was only a drunken lout living in Ireland with bad hair. I did not admit this to anyone for a long time, for only those that have dwelt deep into Buffiana Verse would know this.
Anyway The Alamo Draft House gave my dream of reliving Buffy a chance to shine.
I will always remember that moment more than any drunken makeout session with a would be bisexual..

THEY GOT THE MUSTARD OUT!!!!

HE GOT IN THE SCIENCE AND EGINEERING HIGH SCHOOL

2007-06-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

LAURENCE GOT INTO THE COOL SCHOOL
Yes it will be hard on all of us but It is the best thing for him. The Science and Engineering Academy www.nisd.net/sciaca
Is among the top 300 school in the Nation. The number I was told is higher now but until the publication I wont know.

A Wedding Ring

2007-06-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

Why do I not have a wedding ring? Why did I never have a big wedding. Why do I marry for love? Well I do not think I married my other/ex/first husband for love. I know I married Mike for love. I also know that I wish I could have had a wedding. Why??????
I do not know!
I wish that we had not lost both our bands ( yes we have had two sets, but never a ring) but we did and it sucks. I hate having been so non traditional but ooh I had to do things my way and now I am pissed.
I could care less that my friends are all so non traditional but they are and again it sucks. I guess my friend would reflect something of my own personality.

I want a ring WAHH!!!!!
No more whining!!!

Kiss My Asana

2007-06-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

Today was not a humid day in the room at Alamo Heights . The room was full only one new student and about 4 men. Peaches was the teacher. I enjoyed Yoga as I had not in a long time. After class Lisa was bring out new clothes and put them out and I made plans to go to Central Market. It was funny that since I started swimming I have cut down Yoga to 3 day a week. I am bring it back up to 4 next week, or so go my plans. while we sweat like crazy in our postures and I did have some progress I think I love both things now. I am still of the mind that only Bikram brings such cleansing properties to your body, which I really need after swimming, because inhale so much freaking chlorine I can smell the chlorine during class as it pours out in my sweat. I did sweat today but never as much as Mike. His towels drip after class wetting the floor in the foyer which drives me nuts. He is not the only one that sweats this much, but it seems that the men sweat more than the women. My sweat gets all up in my hair maybe because he is bald. I had a great Rabbit today but Camel made my heart race. Trikonasana and

Dandayamana Bibhaktapada Paschimottanasana

(I like writing that) were really good. I almost touched my head to the floor. Tomorrow Lisa is teaching, I am sure I will be going. I think i may need a Lisa class. She pushes me beyond the what the others do. I think I have fear and respect for her all at the same time

Laurence and I went to the pool today and did our hour. The pool calms me down in a way Yoga does not. It has a lot to do with not having a mirror and the water. Water has such a calming effect on me, even when it is full of chlorine that I sometimes feel I missed my calling. What is funny is that the Ocean frightens me sometimes.
Fear of the unknown. It is silly ecause I just think that there just may be sea monsters and that the giant sqiuid of long go are really waiting for me. The pool should have helped but I came home feeling crappy. Liam won't eat and so I am fretting big time. Laurence is just being a royal PITA, but he gets so sad when I or his dogs are not with him. I is just my crazy son, so eventually I forget all his craziness.
My throat feels raw. I hope I am not getting sick because I do not feel like dealing with this.

A Day in the Life

2007-06-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

Today started off with a spin in the car listening to The Beatles. Liam made me listen to A day and a life over and over and over. I enjoyed it. When I came home I had an email from Brenda. That was so cool. She inspired me to start doing this all over again. I have been thinking about so much that writing to friends and people from the past has been nice. This week I also heard from Alejandro.
My back is extra crunchy today so I sit in his chair got in San Fransisco during the meet and greet back some years ago. I am hoping that my headache will go away. I am also hoping Brenda will write to me. I need to see people soon. I need a job soon.

Here is a story about Human Kindness.
1. Yesterday a young guy came to the house and dropped off a bag of fresh vegetables .He was from the local Baptist church they have a garden in the back of their church. They were going around the neighborhood giving it away to everyone with some Dove chocolate bars. This made me cry so much. I have been having a hard time with money, not that we do not have food in the house. We always do, but I am not used not having a good cash flow and having to account for every penny for 5 people. These things were fresh and good. The fact that they came to my door when I felt so low was wonderful.

2. I have lost 65lbs since last years. Since my dad died I have been trying to take back control o my health. Yoga has helped changed m life. Now there is swimming. The thing about all this is that last week Mike left some of our clothes at the Laundry mat and they were stole. Mostly work out clothes and swim suits. It hurt so bad because these are my life line!!!

I belong to ediets.com have been there for quite some time. This summer I joined a challenge team. We work out, post and fill our pledges. MY team captain is wonderful.
When I posted about this everyone was very nice and gave me lots of support.
Chaili send me her clothes. She send 2 swim suits shorts and work out clothes. Yes they fit. She had dropped some weight so they are two big for her but they are wonderful to me.
The kindness of strangers.
Live is OK for now.

THE ROCK STAR OF THE MONTH I owe him so much, perhaps even my life

2007-06-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

LIVE AND LET DIE!!!

Who should I have. I have had so many. I just have to give this guy so much
I am so sure my bother would disagree but he is the reason Junior High was so easy.
His music has done so much for me.
I am writing this because I was reading Brenda's blog and she was talking about music and decisive moments in her life. She had the song Wendy. I got the song stuck in my head and it was not easy to get out. I wish it was not filled with 1970s icons but what can I say. All I can say is that thinking about this made me think about hearing Hey Jude in 1978 being played on the radio while I was in Ramon's mom bedroom. I was thinking how I wanted to be anywhere else on new years than at The Bruno's but i had spend so many holidays with the Puerto Ricans that I really did not think I stood a chance of ever leaving. Then it was on. They were there. In my head forever.
They touched my heart and I have ever been the same. They(and he) have carried me through pain and happiness and will always be remembered by me as my first Musical crush

Paul is now more than 64 and I will still feed him.
He has gone through so much and most of his old friends are dead. Heather(the dancing stump) Mills was no Linda.
JUST HOW MANY FUCKING PROSTHETIC LEGS DOES SHE OWN????
Paul has regained my respect and maybe he never really lost it. His new CD will be mine and I hope he is with us many more years because the day he goes a bit of my heart will go with him.

No one ever eve left around.....
You know I would lay this over and over and over. Just ask "el Cuciador" he hated it as much as I hated his stupid cologne that he wore all summer. Eau de Gray Flannel. Yuck.
If Gray Flannel had to have a smell, yes that was it. Hot and full of pepper, in a hot un-air condition house in South Texas. Let me tell you I was fit t be tied.

Paul and Linda just sang to me. It is funny because that need for repetitive music is part of the calming mechanism for people with ADD and I did not find this out till much later.
Wings at the Speed of Sound.....Wings Over America......London Town.......Mcartney!!!

I cannot write anymore tonight. I am going to go and dream of that
White Montgomery Ward Record Player. The sound of the scratches and the first PLINK
of Paul's Guitar.

News of my Familia

2007-06-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

My brother Salvador de la Cruz (maybe now he can be googled) is to become a chef or as we say in old Mexico "un cukiador" (pronounced: oon cuke ee a door) He is going to Culinary school. My brother has a great answer to midlife crisis.
Mine was to marry younger man. wait he married a younger woman.
Maybe I will help the world!!! Wait he joined the Peace Corps.
Maybe I should move far away from Texas.
Yes he did that too!!!!
I know I had more sex than he, so there!!!!!
I am happy he will be in school he does deserve the best. He is going to do well in his Taco Wagon.
He made me start blogging again. So I can say all sorts of crap and not care, after all I do have the Russians and the smile of all mankind raining down on me.

Who is Timur Bekmambetov????????

2007-06-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

Who is Timur Bekmambetov
Let us talk
Night Watch
Day Watch and what is to come!!!!
He is my favorite Russian since Vlad the Impaler. OK Vlad is not Russian but a girl can dream.

Timur Bekmambetov and Sergei Lukyanenko brought Sergei books to life in this beautiful trilogy(only two are out)of Dark Vampiric movie. What is it well I will tell you The richness and texture in these movies are incredible. Living among us mere humans are the "Others", humans who possess various supernatural powers be they witches,vampires,shape shifters or other PTB. They are divided up into the forces of light and the forces of dark, who signed a truce several centuries(with ARMOR AND ALL) ago to end a devastating battle. Ever since, the forces of light govern the night while the day belongs to their dark opponents. Ah it makes one sigh and dream of chocolate. In modern day Moscow, the dark Others roam the night as vampires and other evil nightmares, while a "Night Watch" of light forces (among them Anton,[he is the kind of man that could lead one to defect, not since Sandor Csanyi from Budapest In Kontrol have I seen such hypnotic eyes] a kind of seer and the movie's main character) try to control them and limit their outrages. The obligatory for both sides condition of the truce is that the two powers (The Light and The Dark) maintain the balance and neither of them should dominate the other one, or else the fragile harmony of the world is broken. It is an old story, with a soviet setting and a modern/classic spin to make all us true Gothic lovers happy.

What will happen???
Only Twilight Watch will tell!!!
For his and other good movies
stay tune Cillian's new movie and why I hate Ewan McGregor otherwise know as the death of Obi-Wan Kenobi

Reading Brenda

2007-06-21T17:31:00.001-07:00

I have been reading Miss Brenda's blog and she has made me queep. I actually saw a picture of me there taken in 1993. I want to do more than write here so I has got to learn me some more stuff. I have been swimming more than doing Yoga and I need to go back. I will go over the weekend and start going back next week like before. The swimming is like a peaceful paradise in the middle of the TEXAS heat.

Today is the first day of Summer but to me it is the beginning of the end.
For those that do not know!!!

Summer Solstice

A solstice occurs twice a year, whenever Earth's axis tilts the most toward or away from the Sun, causing the Sun to be farthest north or south at noon. The name is derived from Latin sol (sun) and sistere (to stand still), because at the solstice, the Sun stands still in declination, that is, its movement north or south is minimal. The term solstice can also be used in a wider sense as the date (day) that such a passage happens. The solstices, together with the equinoxes, are related to the seasons. In some languages they are considered to start or separate the seasons; in others they are considered to be center points (in English, in the Northern hemisphere, for example, the period around the June solstice is known as midsummer, and Midsummer's Day is 24 June, three or four days after the solstice itself).

UTC Date and Time of Solstice and Equinox

year Equinox
Mar Solstice
June Equinox
Sept Solstice
Dec

day time day time day time day time
2002 20 19:16 21 13:24 23 04:55 22 01:14
2003 21 01:00 21 19:10 23 10:47 22 07:04
2004 20 06:49 21 00:57 22 16:30 21 12:42
2005 20 12:33 21 06:46 22 22:23 21 18:35
2006 20 18:26 21 12:26 23 04:03 22 00:22
2007 21 00:07 21 18:06 23 09:51 22 06:08
2008 20 05:48 20 23:59 22 15:44 21 12:04
2009 20 11:44 21 05:45 22 21:18 21 17:47
2010 20 17:32 21 11:28 23 03:09 21 23:38
2011 20 23:21 21 17:16 23 09:04 22 05:30
2012 20 05:14 20 23:09 22 14:49 21 11:11
2013 20 11:02 21 05:04 22 20:44 21 17:11
2014 20 16:57 21 10:51 23 02:29 21 23:03

Today is the longest day of the year. Now all the days will start getting colder and it means winter is coming

2007-03-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

Have not had a chance to write. i have been watching some good flicks and having a breakdown of sorts. Have to decide about this job thing. It has not been afford to me but if it was what would i do. I am sure I would take it but I do not know if I want to return to the work force. Then there is always the guilt of not having a job and the lack of money to do things with the kids and go shopping and not be strapped for cash. I miss hotel time alone, but I think I would miss my children more. I hate to think about driving in Houston or Dallas. McAllen God!!!!!!!!
Yoga has been pretty good. Lisa is a great teacher and the class this morning made me feel great.I then spoke to brisn who set my next interview and it as down hill from then.
Well off to bed.

2007-02-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

I really love my Caveman his clothes and his taste in Music. This is the best thing ever. I think the advertisement idea is really cool. This site and all its interaction are really the best I have ever seen.
M.

2007-02-21T12:17:00.000-08:00

We can be heroes just for one. It is a good day. We are all home watching Thoma. We seem to be doing a lot of this as of late.
Laurence and I plan to go for a walk today and we are waiting for grandma who went to The Cathedral for Ash Wednesday. I mad everyone in Yoga class give up something for lent and the are not even followers of whatever, but yoga is all about the giving up and becoming. Lisa had very little to give up she is so squeaky!!

What a great class. I needed to put David up on the site because I still love this crazed man.

2007-02-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

And in those days* there came from the east a paleontologist, named Edwin Colbert. And he and those who travelled with him came searching for the remains of creatures long gone, so that they might learn what sort of lands these had once been, and what animals had dwelt here in the ages before man.

These men came to a place that was called "Ghost Ranch," for it was said that the spirits of great serpents dwelt there. And in this place their search was not in vain, for it was there they discovered the bones of a great host of reptiles entombed in the rocks. So vast was their number that Colbert and his men spent the days of two summers unearthing them, without coming near to their end.

Thus the first of many fossils were found at Ghost Ranch, and collected, and sent to Colbert's place of study in New York, which is called the American Museum of Natural History.
Coelophysis Madonna

There the bones were freed from the rock, and examined. And Edwin Colbert proclaimed them to be Coelophysis, which is what similar bones from that time and place had come to be named; though none matched Colbert's in number or completeness. And one of the first of these to be carved from its earthen tomb was given the mark of AMNH 7224; and was molded and cast and shared with many, for its form was unique and greatly desired.

Such was this fossil that it showed a great many features of Coelophysis; it was most complete and well-preserved. Its frame was long and slender, with a tail like unto a serpent, and claws like those of the eagle. It held its neck like that of a swan; its jaw was filled with teeth not much dulled after its long entombment.

And nestled in the basket of its ribs, there lay the scattered remains of another Coelophysis, which was yet quite young. And all who beheld it marvelled, for they believed that this was a fossil of a mother and its unborn child. But Dr. Colbert studied these bones, and proclaimed that the child in its belly was large and well formed; and would not have passed unbroken from a mother's frame. And all then became silent, for what they had believed was a symbol of motherhood had been revealed as an ancient relic of cannibalism.
* That is, June, 1947.

© Copyright 2004 Matt Celeskey, all rights reserved, yet negotiable.

2007-02-20T04:33:00.000-08:00

So now that Factory Girl is out how many of you guys really remember Eddie Sedgwick. Its funny the Factory was one of my early adolescent dreams of what life should be like. I even had a friend that had been there. I am a about 20 years to young for it but it still was riveting to me. Even in all my reading then I had never come to realize that it was a hugely ego driven place, at least not till I started to really know a group of artist. When I started to demand attention it all went weird for me. It still is. I am confused as to what I want or If I will ever actually know.
M

2007-02-17T11:48:00.000-08:00

CUTE BOY!!!!

2007-02-17T11:36:00.000-08:00

We had a great time last night. Laurence and I road big scary rides and Liam and I road the small ones. Mike does not ride. Liam loved the COWS!!!!
They mooed. Laurence was wearing a leather jacket and he thought this made the cows angry. It was cold and Mike and Laurence spent too much money on food yet a good time was had by all.
M.

Kiss Them For ME

2007-02-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

2007-02-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

So as the soup Nazi goes "NO YOGA FOR YOU" I felt yucky all morning. Laurence finished his project last night. It is pretty cool. You can see the cast. Mike and I are blue, Laurence is black (what is new) queep!!!!
I wish we could do this all the time because it kept him very happy. He even thanked Mike for his help and support all grown up. I hopes he gets into one of the schools, he would do so much better than at a regular HS.
I also hope we go to the fair grounds today. Its the stuff I love.
M.

2007-02-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

RYUICHI SAKAMOTO Biography

Award-winning composer and musician Ryuichi Sakamoto has made a career of crossing musical and technological boundaries. Sakamoto has experimented with, and excelled in, many different musical styles, making a name for himself in popular, orchestral and film music. Never one to be satisfied with the status quo, Sakamoto continues to push the envelope of his artistry, marrying genres, styles and technologies for the first time to create new and exciting directions in musical expression.

He has become my companion. I went to Yoga this morning 6am and was so sleepy. I am sure it was because of the xanax I took last night. The class ended better thant it began but I never did work up the sweat I normaly do. We had a really great day yesterday and today. Laurence's claymation is going really well. I am more than likley going to start a 60 day challnge here soon. I feel my body neebs again. I have been going only 4or5 days a week to yoga and I need all 7 for a while still.
Liam has been really funny but he wants to spend more time with Mike.

2007-02-14T16:47:00.000-08:00

So today I purchased Ryuichi Sakamoto music today it was part of my Valentines day gift. I truly love his music. It keeps me in another realm. The music is something that has always touched me. I wonder about him and I not sure why I have never done any research on him. I am so glad I got this it make me queep.
M.

2007-02-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

I have no money for Valentine's day this year. I had planned on having Liam print his hands on a card for Mike but he was scared of the whole thing. I painted him something. I am going to go get the boys some Candy. I am a little sad about this. I wish I could do a Romantic dinner or such but no such luck. I think we will do Yoga and cuddle. The South West Research Center is having some weird sort of activity and we here the explosions BOOM!!!!!
Well we see if infection spreads. I had to go buy clay with Laurence as well as a tripod, lots of driving today and it made me very tired...
Hope all goes well.
M.

2007-02-13T07:26:00.000-08:00

So Yoga went well this morning after all those shots, though you would think my ass would hurt less. My fallen arches bother me, not because they hurt but because I have them. "
Who The Hell"
The boy does not want to go to school. Never, ever ever.
Tomorrow is Vanentines day and no candy or anything. I am going to water color for my sweetie.
I love You Thag!!!

2007-02-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

So I guess Tony Stark was a drunk. I had such a crush on him when I was a kid, I had no knowledge he was a playboy.
I think Robert Downey Jr. is going to be great. Who knows!!!!
My ass is still hurting and oh by the way I know Ghost Rider is going to Suck.

2007-02-12T16:44:00.000-08:00

So Today was doctor day. Lots of shots b12, Trameel and even a cortisone shot. Yoga was GOOOOOD. I played hide and go seek with the boys. It was funny but Liam never hid he just laughed.
Hey here is Adam's mocumentary it is so funny http://ny.beam.tv/beamreels/reel_player.php?reel=WGsMngHJjK&reel_file=xfSMfGZzTV.
I am hoping these shots work. I am staying in with the crazy boys
So that is it for today.
M.

2007-02-12T05:54:00.000-08:00

Our Once And Future King

2007-02-12T05:50:00.000-08:00

My beloved Thag. Happy Vaentines Day.
From Thaggina

2007-02-12T05:37:00.000-08:00

So another day workng on this thing and I am not even sure you peopla can read this, It was a lazy week end and I am feeling it.The Police reunited WHATEVR ans since I hate Sting I did now watch. Homework is being done late or should I say early in the wee hours of the mornings and I am BITCH AWAKING knid of like Hannibal Rising. I hope to get some things done today so lets see. Do not forget the Usless Valentine Celebration. I love getting things but I hate whats on a sale. A trip to the bookstore would be nice. Must fly >i<
But before I do I have to say I Love Thang!!!

Boys will be boys

2007-02-11T18:28:00.000-08:00

So the boys are plain NUTS. Laurence is now addicted to WarCraft and Liam keeps setting us on fire or giving us tickets. Laurence has not eaten much because of this game and now the cats found a way to get into the walls of the house.
What is this GREY GARDENS.
Well more when more happens

Such is Life

2007-02-11T14:15:00.000-08:00

I am here today to yammer. Do you find yourself yammering all the time. I could not go to yoga my tummy was acting up. I went to an Indie band party last night and it turned into a Whole Foods party. Such is life. I took my half brother and his face was all bruised up, apparently he fell down drunk. I ended up watching Jackass the Movie what can I say it happens to us all.

The Poem of the day

2007-02-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

Ham and Eggs,
I'll Never see,
They are not KOSHER,
So let me be!

I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am.
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I will try them with some brisket.

I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up in matzoh brie!

And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,

Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!